Sunday, July 10, 2011

surface vertigo-the continuing thought, volume#4

How is it that we decipher the events that take place in our lives? Is it instinct? Are we somehow trained by others?- is it a matter of self-discovery or innate characteristics? I haven't the slightest clue what the answer is, and maybe that is why it seems interesting to me. The very nature of the mystery of that which is within is just as important as the mystery all around us. If I ever come to a place where all of a sudden I feel as though I know everything, then I essentially know nothing- as my comfort, or my sense of how things should be, can never truly encompass everything. But its exciting. Somehow, in some way to feel alive and aware in order to feel that sense of humanity. To step outside of ourselves and peer back in to see how things have unfolded. Think of this moment like a film's intermission, with the images and words of the first act trickling in the back of your mind and the culmination of such actions coming into view on the horizon. We will see everything, fully realized and in color and its terrifying and eye-opening in all sorts of ways. We won't see all good things, in fact we will see many ugly and disgusting things, but somehow we keep looking- searching for that moment of beauty, that moment of realization. Its like that moment in a film when the culmination of the characters struggle, the scenery, and the music coincide and explode into a moment of pure raw emotion. You can't pull away because you are immersed, and somehow this realization frees you.  I think I am a romantic in many ways, and I believe my thoughts turn to this in a time when I am beginning to realize how much of my voice has been lost or shrouded by past events and relationships. I find that as I continually move towards that horizon, I slowly lose the baggage that had come before- but only because I acknowledge that it is indeed there. I wouldn't say that someone put it there, but I also don't think that I would be the person I am today had I not endured through difficult moments. Though they were hard and sometimes heartbreaking, I am still alive in so many different ways and perhaps I acknowledge the power of such things as a sign of a life not dictated by myself but by something greater than I. This might be a lot coming from a blog entry that has, in the last few months, simply become the grounds for an obligatory post about the new wii system or about links posting to paper cutout sites, but I find that as I write this and share it with all of you it gives me a new sense as to how powerful thoughts can be when spoken to words or written down to see. It's amazing.

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