Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Weekly Update: May 18th 2011

I'm perpetually playing catchup with my own life, or at least that's what it seems like, so here it goes...

I haven't sat down to write without an external sense of urgency for some time and its weighing heavily on me. I am trying to juggle about ten different things at once and often times what truly motivates and inspires me seems like a distant set of unattainable distractions. Should that be the case? Should I be sweeping my dreams and desires and ambition under the rug because I don't have as much experience as a business professional or someone with a lot of money and connections? Something tells me that that feels wrong. Although there are several large events on the horizon that deem my immediate attention, marriage to my wonderful fiance Margaret and saving for a future together, I just really feel the need to bring myself back to square one and ultimately reassess what exactly I am attempting to do with my life.

Some days I feel as though everything I worked for in college was simply just to pass the time or to appease my sense of misguidance in a world without opportunity, and now that I am paying for it through largely "over grossed" loans I can't help but feel even more confined to my past missteps as I transition from undergraduate education to the "real" world outside of it. Now that graduation  has become a past event, in December it will be two years, my desire to go back to school and continue my education has more than doubled since my original decision to "one day" apply. As of Tuesday, Margaret and I have obtained both the 2011 GRE study book and a set of flashcards- hello study weekend!

Settling into an improper and mostly unfulfilling business oriented "job" seems downright out of character at this time in my life, and will probably continue to carry similar sympathies long into the unknown future. I didn't go to school to work in business, at least not corporate business, and it really saddens me to see every chance for opportunity get eaten up before I have a chance to state my case. I need sustenance and I am asking to be feed, but where are the routes of this journey leading? I cannot say.

I want to utlize creativity, writing, media, film, television, teaching, education, promotions, music, literature, video games, video production, social justice non profiting, documentaries, theology, philosophy, philanthropy, stewardship, creative management, and creative design to revolutionize the world. I want to invent, I want to envision, I want to design, I want to foster new ideas and new avenues of originality. I need to BE.

For the last year and 5 months I have settled for what was right in front of me, and though I know things like the economy and lack of networking contacts factor into its success rate, I don't want to accept this as MY life. At the very most some things hold a sense of promise and progress that things like my degree have not like my consistently growing relationship with Margaret and my ongoing strife in self discovery. However, I am not getting paid to have those breakthroughs take place and regardless of what I wish to achieve in this life, as it stands right now I am tethered to a stack of debts and constantly finding myself in need of financial assistance. This sounds like a broken record to so many people, many of which are more qualified than I; but in reinstating my case my desire to do something greater grows exponentially each day, and sometimes I fear I might just explode.

I am officially on the warpath for a new job as well as a new motivational desire to revitalize my lagging time spent in projects, writing, and making progress in applying to graduate schools.

Here's to the beginning of something new and exciting.

1 comment:

  1. i love you : ) and by golly let's start studying!!! and planning an adventure. let's do something crazy... like sell our stuff and move to europe! i refuse, with you, to let this be MY life.