Thursday, January 28, 2010

all we have is now. reflections...

days of hard, gripping, and ultimately heart wrenching communication.
all vision blurred, heart pumping irregularly; knowing that somehow this feeling wasn't just the result of one, but several moments culminating in this particular moment. but could i be sure that any day was "the" day? how could i seize the moment if i feel all moments slipping by? is this a dream, have i lost all sight?

fashionably direct, and unfortunately stifling. those passing by seeing only the glimmer of a small still light. had they known the state of internal affairs, had they known that i feel like the devil, had they known that i feel like a cutout of what the external shows... they would know that i feel this way... that the journey has led me here, and oh by the stars that shine do i see the inside of my eyelids and nothing more... welded shut. oh those shadows playing games on the walls in harmony, while in reality the real world was nothing like a game... more like a continuum of unrelentless actions taken and those untaken... where would i place myself in that? could someone such as i really exist?

 seemingly piercing doth the sword that swallows one whole.

 the flash and bang that one flees from isolation only to find the ongoing rotations of a soul that finds itself forgotten by everyone, combines to make the fishes in the fountain that i stare back at with all my invisible strength. as i splash through to find change, hoping that if i wish hard enough that i could understand why, why, why... so i don't die die die, or cry cry cry my existence away.... im left with my heart so big but so fragile. my inabilities stacked up in the corner like the remnants of a shredded skin.... of a cocoon where the only rebirthing that could have occurred lacked the metamorphosis that one would truly need to find the way... like a moth to a flame, burning intensely with the passion that remained subsided.

the obstacles of this time reach far beyond the simplicities of pain, for if something would grab ahold of me, and grab real tight.. . the endless labyrinth of revelation may come in a seething cray of tightened woe.

click the song, i've heard it before... and that one, and that one... ah hell all gone away... except this disc that you made... put it in and let me sit... moonlit night ill sit alone. driving in the rain pushing 4-am, the coffees gone cold but the hot sweat that drips brings the windows to a fog. all i wanted was to find a way. all i wanted was to truly find peace. why is it that my confessions only bring about pain... only bring about disillusionment. why am i afraid of virtually anything, if all i know is what could be . step up young and old, and light your candle to what could be and sail into the sun without a thought of tomorrow.

oh pink cadillac. sitting, waiting, everynight you wait and yet i fear not being able to be good enough. i fear not being able to do enough. i fear my own issues might be too much for me to give priority. i fear.
and that fear is beating me down in the corner without a moment to pause for breath.