Friday, September 25, 2009

Angeles 8: 1:18 am

This is the earliest I have been back to my apartment all semester.
That may not sound that "early" to many of you, but many of my extracurricular endeavors have me out until at most 2:30 am every morning. This does not always fare well with the next day (internship days predominately), but I continue to do this, because I like being around the people I go and see.

I lay in bed. Looking at the ceiling. I lay their for 20 minutes. My eyes cannot close. Not because I have been unaccustomed to sleeping at this time, but because my mind finally has time to wander. When my thoughts begin to wander, my mind and my heart take a walk together. Sometimes it is a subtle union, where emotions and reasoning work side by side. Other times I find them beating each other with 2 X 4's and leaving the other to die in a ditch. Other times I find that both have gone separate directions and it would be fruitless to attempt to get them to reconnect. Don't think me crazy for using this analogy, I am just attempting to place in sight of my thought process.

Rarely do I feel comfortable enough to truly just lay. Many times I am set on sleeping, other times on attempting to stay awake, but other times I lay with the intention of hearing, seeing, feeling once again. To come to a point where everything meets me, and grasps hold of my eyes in dilating their sight.

If everything that I've ever experienced was written down in a book and handed to me, would I want to read it? And if I did choose to do so, would their be moments that show me insights that I never even comprehended? I think so, but what would that be?!?

As I lay in my bed my mind and my heart go back to times that were different than this, and reminisce in their comforts, or maybe even struggle with their nostalgia. Depending on the emotions attached with the events. Quite possibly, I believe that we hold onto the good and the bad, because we know (somehow) that if we completely forsook either, then we would somehow cease to exist in some way. Maybe that's good, maybe ceasing to exist in some areas would make us better, happier, fuller, more prominent people. I guess what we must do, is do the best with where we are now, always looking back at where we've come- while being mindful of what is to come. Maybe that's how it works, I cannot say for sure though.

My thoughts grab hold of people who I care deeply for, and who may have gone away (to other places than where I am)- to other spaces where I do not currently reside. My thoughts go to the times where the space/distance was not so revealed, and in that residing place I find comfort, but also a little sadness. I wish at times that I could better communicate myself to those who do not understand/realize who I really am. I hate having to constantly reassess, but in starting something new, there is a lack of the familiar and sometimes we have to "re sell" ourselves to these people, hoping that they recognize the main points, the mannerisms, the realities, the truth of you!

Personal things I suppose. Personal things that I cannot keep all to myself.