Friday, January 23, 2009

Settlements: Reflections XII

There is a peace that we all seek. It is not something that comes for free, but when you feel it, it can release you.

My soul has been like an ocean wave, crashing against the walls of my inner being. Life is not simple, nor is it fair... and sometimes we want to be able to just make things perfect... but it isn't always to be.

I think that God looks upon us, and as Chris Martin of Coldplay said "he put a smile upon my face". It is not as if we deserve it (we don't), and its not as if we earn it (we can't), but in times of deep trouble, in times of serious loss, in times of uncertainty/unsurety.... there is something that we can find... there is something we can be given... there is something we can hold onto.... and that is peace. Peace allows us to settle... but it also allows us to move... and I think that both are necessary in times of uncertainty...

The way out of captivity... is in the process of giving the situation to God... and in that.. I have found the results to be slow paced... yet releasing, and significantly better than I would have hoped...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Reflections XI: The day that I start living

Over the course of the last few days, I haven't been able to get around post graduation troubles. I know that graduation is still a ways off.... yet I have been so focused on it... so distracted by the troubles that keep me from seeing it as something good. I keep thinking about going home and thinking about how my life is just gonna stop when I get there.... I know that these concerns are illegitimate, yet I cannot (for the life of me) find some peaceful grounding...

And so...

I want to put all of these troubles, all of these concerns, all of the unknown on the back burner and just enjoy the rest of the semester. Who knows what will happen in the future? No one but God. I thought that I had figured things out pretty well... but I was wrong, yet God was never there saying "I told you so...".
I am so blessed to have such great friends here, and I am legitimately scared of leaving them... I am scared of not being able to find a place in the world, and I am scared of not being fulfilled... These things protrude my thoughts in ways that it is hard for me to get around...
Yet, something my roommate Bryan said last night stuck with me, simply that: I am not the only one who feels this way... and in that I feel that maybe the hardships of the journey are not merely my own. The uplifting words of others have given me great strength. Thank you.
Something Melissa said to me has helped me through this time in my life so greatly, she has no idea how much it has meant to me... and that was that she told me how lucky she is to have me as such a great friend, and how much respect she has for me... I was blown away... because I could feel that someone else truly cares about me... and that is peace to me.... Thank you.
Josh W. has been such a great friend to me in these times, and one of the things that I really respect about him is that he just allowed me to lay all of my problems out... and listened... for hours.... Thank you.
Dave + Mila, you guys are like family to me and our growing friendship is truly a great blessing in my life... Thank you.
And to everyone else, I don't mean to leave you out... I love and wish to uplift all of you in this sentence.... Thank you.
I get lonely pretty easily, and thinking about all of these future events has made that part of my thinking process even harder.... I want to be completely relieved of this stress, I want to feel like I am making the right choice, I don't want to be afraid.... I just want to serve... and to love... and to find happiness... and to be there for others, and help them find happiness... I don't need to ignore the fact that I am graduating... I think I just need to make a choice about what that can mean for me...
Selfless words are sometimes spoken by the people we least expect to find them coming from, and it is my desire to be a better man... to be a better friend... and to find those things in life that will provide a reflection of the grace of God... Thank you to all of my friends... Thank you for just being there for me when I need you to be, and even when I don't need you to be... You help me in ways I don't even know if I could imagine... and I hope that by writing this, I will be able to start enjoying myself....